Beware…Of The Chair!

I’ve written before of my suspicion that certain so-called “inanimate objects” often, in fact, have minds of their own.  And unfortunately, those minds are obsessed with one desire – to torment, annoy or hoodwink their humans.  I’ve recently experienced two new cases.

First off, I was on my front porch washing the front of my house.  I have siding, and when a hard rain blows on it, it leaves dirt.  So, I get on my little ladder, armed with a bucket of soapy water, scrub it down and then rinse it with a hose.  I have one of those neat little adjustable hose heads that have multiple settings such as “shower,” “flat,” “mist,” “full,” and “jet.”  All was going well until the hose slipped out of my hand and the hose head hit the concrete – hard!  When I climbed down to get it, the hose head suddenly went on a suicidal rampage!  Not only was it swishing around, but water was spurting through all the holes. It was losing its mind! I attempted to subdue the suspect, but, when that didn’t work, I turned off the water.  After a close examination and seeing nothing loose or cracked, I tried it again, but it ignored all settings, spilling its guts out and squirming to get away or soak me to the bone, whichever came first!  Clearly, it had gone insane.  It must have sustained a concussion when it fell and I was finally forced to “put it down” as one would a rabid dog.

The other example is my leather recliner.  Recliners, as a whole, are smarter than you think.  They never resort to violence.  They don’t have to.  Instead, they’re very sly.  Over the years they manage to embezzle coins, pens, M & M’s and all sorts of other things without your knowing it.  Here’s how it happens.  You’ll drop or lose a pen or something, but, when you check the seat cushion, nothing’s there.  Consequently, you’ll start looking around on the floor.  But, you won’t find it because your item has been swallowed by the recliner! Oh yes, my friend!  Your item has been digested by that wily chair!

But I’m wise to my recliner’s ways.  Oh, yeah!  The other day I dropped my e-cig while I was sitting in the chair.  When I searched the seat cushion, it had disappeared.  But I knew how to deal with it!  You see, lately I’ve been checking out episodes of “All Creatures Great and Small” from the library.  It is a great British series about veterinarians in the English countryside.  One interesting thing I’ve learned is that when they need to help a cow give birth, they roll up their sleeve and then shove their arm into the cow’s rear end, all the way up to the elbow.  They then feel around until they can position a calf for birth or grab a hoof and start pulling.  As a city girl, the first time I saw this I was mortified, especially seeing a whole baby cow come out of, you know…there! But, it happens a lot in this series and I now find it fascinating.  So anyway, I knew the technique.

So, I rolled up my sleeve and shoved it into the back end of the recliner and felt around until I found my e-cig and gently pulled it out.  While I was at it, I also found two pens, a stray M & M and twenty-six cents!  No English vet could have done it better!

So, in conclusion, my advice to you is – “Never let your furniture get the better of you and never, ever turn your back on an insane hose head!” But then, I bet your mama told you that a long time ago – right?