It’s bad enough that Graves’ Eye Disease has given me double vision. That, alone, is enough to impact my whole life. I can’t drive without one eye blacked out in my sunglasses. When I’m in stores, I sometimes almost have an anxiety attack if it’s too bright and the crowds are too big. I’m having more trouble focusing these days and have to go down the stairs very carefully. And now, even when I read (which I used to be able to do with no problem,) I sometimes see two pages and have to work very hard to get things back to one. All of these things have been working on me since last July, as I wait for the disease to “settle down.” so that maybe the eye surgeon can cure me.
But now, it’s starting to affect my appearance! And that hurts worst of all. You see, the double vision is caused by the fact that the muscles in the two eyes are not working together. Some of the time you probably couldn’t tell if you didn’t know. But, when I look straight-on in the mirror, I can see that one eyeball looks a little lower. It’s off…just a bit.
To make sure of this I just took a series of pictures of my eyes, looking in different directions and then up, down and straight ahead because that’s the only way I truly know what they look like to others. Aside from a broken vessel in one eye, many of the shots look almost normal. But the straight-on one! Not good. I was going to post it here, but then I just couldn’t. I was too embarrassed. This is what I mean about this disease affecting my whole life. When I go out in public now, I tend to avoid looking straight at people because I don’t want them to see me as a freak. That’s not who I used to be. I’ve always been a woman who would look you in the eyes when I was talking to you. Not so much now. I’m beginning to feel like a googly-eyed shrinking violet.
This whole thing is really starting to weigh me down. All I want is to be normal again. Is that too much to ask? And now the whole googly eye thing like a big cherry on top of an already-sickening sundae. Why is this happening? The only explanation I can think of is that God is trying to teach me some humility.
If so, God…it’s working. Can we stop now?