Okay, so for nine months I’ve suffered with double vision, all the time trying to maintain my spunk and do the best that I can with what I’ve had to work with. Finally, I got a chance to have surgery to fix my eye muscles so that, at long last, I could have normal vision just like regular people. The time ramping up to that surgery was filled with delays and unimaginable stress, but I finally reached “zero hour” on Monday. I was so excited. I came through the surgery fine…only to find myself with WORSE double vision than before! The surgeon had indicated that I might still have “periods” of double vision, but had implied that I would also have periods of normal vision, too. So I was heartbroken. It wasn’t until afterward that he claimed that “Oh yes, this is completely normal.”
I didn’t cope well with this. Not well at all. To find myself having more difficulty functioning than before has been almost more than I can bear. The tears show up at regular intervals and there’s nothing I can do about it. My eyes look like someone poured Drano into them and feel like they’re full of glass shards. And as I look around, searching for hope, I realize my sense of humor and my persistence have fled. And I have nothing to hold onto. Nothing.
For those of you who have expressed caring (all four or five of you,) I did go to the doctor yesterday and he proclaimed that my healing is progressing well. He explained that the eye muscles that were cut now need time to re-attach. Right now they are being held with sutures. He says that now my eyes are “over corrected,” but that they should eventually work their way back to normal vision…IN WEEKS! From where I’m sitting, I don’t believe him. No one ever warned me that there would be this long waiting period after the surgery for results. I had so much hope that everything would be fixed. What I NEVER expected was that I’d be in a worse situation than when I started. A person can only take so much.
This blog used to be a life saver for me. It was a place where I could vent, air my opinions and find support from my readers. That didn’t work this time. I feel like I’m totally alone out here. I’ve been drained of my joy, my spirit, my sass and my sense of humor. The idea of going back to writing my funny posts, my cloud patrols, my movie and TV reviews and my cockeyed views on life doesn’t move me at all. I’m empty inside.
So, I’ve decided to walk away from “Star, Simplified.” I thought I was making a difference, but now I realize I was just fooling myself. And, until I can once more find some shred of hope in my life… I have nothing to say.
Take care of yourselves.
Love,
Please don’t leave us, Star. You don’t know how much I look forward to reading your post everyday! Even when I know it’s the second day, I always want to see if there are any responses and what they have to say. You are an inspiration to many of us with your quirky thoughts and creativity. I truly understand your being down right now, but don’t give up on the blog forever! Work on healing and come back to us when your vision is normal again. Please.
Don’t you dare go off and pout by your lonesome! Get your ass back here and grab my hand and don’t let go. We’re here for you, you don’t have to be “star” anything, no cloud patrol or humor, just be Star – you don’t have to bring anything but your hurting self. Pour it out here, vent and let us be here to listen.
Oh, and please let me warn you, because of this I know. The road that you are proposing going down, the one with no hope, it’s treacherous. It’s not the going down, it’s the getting back. God, star, please believe me when I say that even False hope is better than no hope. Getting back from the dark place you want to go burry your pain isn’t easy. Especially for us usually positive outlooking people. I know it feels good to put down the burden of carrying your hope but believe me, it’s so easy to not be able to pick it up again.
I don’t tell people this but I still am struggling to get back from the dark place you want to go. When you let go of an integral part of yourself (your hopefulness) it’s very difficult to find it again. You’re never the same. I don’t want that for you.
Please keep struggling to keep hope alive, even for just a better outcome than you have now.
My mom (former RN) says you have to give your eyes healing time too.
Be well, my friend. You are NOT alone out there. I’m here. Take my hand, I won’t let go, I promise.
Jenn
Oh Star, I’m so sorry. I can understand that you feel so defeated right now. I have to agree though, that the doctors are probably right about the few weeks to see any changes. I wish I had some magical words that would make you feel more hopeful. All you can do is keep praying and hang in there.
If a change of scenery (double scenery) would do you good, you are very welcome to come to Arkansas and hang out on the lake with me for a while. I’m going home May 8th! Just me and the cats. Let me know if you’re interested.
I will be keeping my swollen fingers and my gnarly toes crossed for your speedy (and perfect!) recovery.
My hope is that starsimplified has been your “caterpillar” blog, and that soon you’ll be out of the double vision cocoon–renewed, re-energized, restored to your old (I mean FORMER) sighted self, and ready to take on an even greater challenge with a “butterfly” blog. Remember the butterfly effect: a butterfly flapping its wings in Rio de Janeiro can change the weather in Chicago. You do make a difference – to a lot of people you don’t even know about. I think you were in a job once where your work went out into the world, affecting – even changing – lives, but you seldom heard about it from those people. People can care very much, but not know what to say – worry they may say something that would inadvertently hurt you in some way; some don’t feel comfortable writing on blog sites; some may hope YOUR loss of hope is temporary & that you’ll be back — and want to give you some room right now to work through this difficult time.
Don’t equate blog responses with people who care about you. There are many more, whether right now, you believe it or not.
I have been away from the blogs far too long! Please don’t feel as if you are alone – please don’t. You are still in my and Maria’s prayers, and we’re looking forward to here in a few weeks when you are seeing the good results you’ve been patiently awaiting!
I know how alone one can feel when going through a serious health problem(s). Just know that we (all who look forward to your posts) will keep you in our thoughts and prayers as you carry on–no matter whether or not you decide to write again. We care. I care. God cares.
Was this really your last post? Is your vision any better now? I pray that it is. Having just found your wonderful place in the internet universe – I’d hate to think of it as a dead end for having been “given up”. If you can see well enough to do this, I hope you’ll come back…God bless you Star, with sight and healing.
Star – my double vision started in May 2011 and In desperation I googled nine months of double vision and found your blog. I want to hear that you have recovered – have you? I had every test possible – even Graves – but they’re not sure about that….just waiting. It’s been nine months; can’t drive; probably shouldn’t walk the dog but I still go once or twice a week with head down watching the street and squinting from the sun. I trip a bit but my faithful dog deserves it. I just read a few lines from your blog to my husband….he doesn’t understand why I would rather go to Shop Rite at 7am when it’s kind of deserted. I was in sales and very outgoing. I’m afraid I’m becoming introverted. Others have it much worse and we’ll both have normal vision soon – take care!!!