Which Would You Date: Zombie or Vampire?

As I move closer to my surgery date, I’ve tried very hard to immerse myself in distractions.  Since I’ve always been the kind of person who can live in my imagination,  I just needed the inspiration.  So, first I purchased Season One of HBO’s “True Blood,” the southern Vampire series featuring waitress Sookie Stackhouse.  Once I got into it, I spent many happy weekends following the story.  The idea behind it is that it’s set in a time when a synthetic blood has been developed that can slake the vampire cravings.  Thus vampires are free to walk among humans.  There are a lot of funny tongue-in-cheek references to vampire rights in congress and vampire support groups.  But the primary story line involves Sookie, who falls in love with an ancient vampire, Bill, who’s trying very hard to mainstream, i.e., not drink human blood.  This whole thing was so involving that when I finished the last episode, I immediately ordered Season Two.

While I was waiting for Season Two to come, I decided to get Season One of “The Walking Dead,” which is AMC’s critically acclaimed series of humans trying to survive a zombie epidemic of apocalyptic proportions.  It begins with a police officer waking from a coma in a hospital which is trashed and deserted.  As he wanders out, he sees nothing but dead bodies everywhere.  It isn’t until he sees a zombie girl, (or half of a zombie girl, anyway,) pulling what’s left of her body across a park, that the nightmare starts to become real to him.  He finally meets up with a group of survivors and the main story is about what these people do to survive, without any means of communication and not even knowing if there are other survivors left in the world.  It is a good show, but definitely not as “fun” as “True Blood.

So, when I finished the last episode of it, I naturally found myself thinking about both stories and the situations they depict.  In my musings, I imagined someone asking me, “Which would you date, if you had to date one or the other – a zombie or a vampire?  At first the answer seemed obvious, but I decided to try to be as objective as possible. Here are my pros and cons.

VAMPIRES:  Pros - (1) They actually have personalities, ranging from charming to terrifying. (2) Most are physically attractive.  (3) Their blood, “V” is like a super-drug for humans.  (4) They sleep all day, giving you time to do what you need to do.  Cons - (1) When the fangs click into place, it’s not a good look (at least, not to me.)  (2) They never get sleepy at night so they could tend to wear you out after a while.  (3) They have the ability to mesmerize you, thus robbing you of free will.  You’d probably never win an argument with one.  (4) There’s the whole sleeping-in-a-coffin thing.  (5) They could suck you dry and leave you dead in a New York minute.  (Definitely something to think about!)

 

ZOMBIES:  Pros – (1) They’d never bore you with needless chit-chat.  They do well to make grunting noises!  (2) They’re not obsessed with their appearance.  You’ll never have to wait while they fix their hair. (3) They are persistent.  Zombies aren’t quitters.  If they want you, they’ll just keep coming for you, no matter what.  (4) They’re not picky eaters.  They’re only interested in eating one thing.  Cons (1) The one thing they’re interested in eating is YOUR BRAIN! (I don’t know about you, but for me that’s a real downer in the dating world.) (2) They are totally boring. Any shred of personality they might have once had, is gone.  (3) Their body parts tend to come off.  I mean, it’s one thing to hold someone’s hand, but if that’s the only thing you’re holding, well!  Yuk. (4) The smell.  Putrefaction is seldom sexy, no matter how good a face you try to put on it.

So, there are the facts.  And no matter how fair I tried to be, zombies are a hard sell in the world of sexual attraction and companionship.  Consequently,  I have to declare vampires the winner of this “who-would-you-date” contest.  So now that I’ve solved yet another Huge Life Dilemma, I think I’ll go cuddle up in my recliner and begin Season Two of “True Blood.”  Woo hoo!  See ya later!

 

 

 

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Tell Me Why…

The world is so full of inexplicable things that I thought I’d throw a few questions I have out here and see if any of you faithful readers have the answers.  Okay, here goes:

1) Why doesn’t anyone sell a condiment that is a mixture of mustard and ketchup?  I love putting both of those on my burgers and  it’s a hassle having to drag both of them out of the refrigerator to do so.  If someone made them pre-mixed in a bottle I’d gladly buy it.  This is such a good idea that I can’t figure out why someone hasn’t already invented it!

2) There’s a new commercial out (I think it’s for Safeco Insurance, but I can’t swear to it,) where about five different people, men and women, kick a poor guy hard between the legs.  The first time I saw it, I simply couldn’t believe it.  It’s actually painful to watch.  Why on earth would someone make a commercial like that to sell something?

3) Why in the world has the show “Dancing With The Stars” asked Christine O’Donnell to participate?  Witch or not, I don’t really consider her to be a “star,” and have no interest whatsoever in watching her.  Didn’t they learn anything with Bristol Palin?

4) Why oh why can’t Charlie Sheen just go away and never let us hear from him again?  Not a day goes by that he doesn’t shoot off his big arrogant mouth again.  And it’s like he’s deliberately trying to offend every person he works with and every group he can think of.  He keeps defending himself by saying, “My fans will stand behind me.”  What fans?

5) Why would you do a commercial for a medicine which is accompanied by the warning, “Discontinue if you experience vomiting, hives, dizziness, nausea, blurred vision, sleeplessness, skin eruptions, sores in your mouth or thoughts of suicide?” I mean, I don’t care WHAT’S wrong with you, do you really want to add that lovely menu of side effects to the mix?  Craziness!

6) Finally, and this is one I’ve been giving quite a bit of thought to – Why does the word “Wednesday” have two “d’s” in it?  Why isn’t it “Wensday?”  No one pronounces the first one.  Why not drop it?  Doesn’t that make a whole lot more sense?  Surely people have realized that by now, so why hasn’t it been changed?  If they can kick Pluto off from being a planet, surely they can correct this spelling.  (Oh, and for those of you reading this who are too young to remember the show “The Addams Family,” that’s their daughter, Wednesday, in the photo.)

Okay, let me know if you have any answers.  Meanwhile, have a great Wensday and Thursday!  Ha. Ha.

 

 

P.S. Since I wrote this “Dancing With The Stars” announced their lineup and O’Donnell isn’t on it, thank goodness!  Not many “stars” are, either!

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Farewell to Big Mama

On Tuesday, February 1st, I lost a good friend.  She was a huge back upper molar named Big Mama.  We had been together for a very long time and, even after she had received what could be termed a “death sentence,” she hung on for almost two more years.  Where do you find that kind of loyalty these days?  So anyway, since I was so attached to her, I felt I owed her something after all those years of good service.  So I gave her a funeral.

Here are some of her friends traipsing by her coffin before the service.

There’s a gorilla and a dinosaur she was fond of, an army man, a policeman and Giovanni and his son, Guido.  Quite a nice showing on such short notice.  After the viewing, I read the following poem written just for her.

FAREWELL TO BIG MAMA

Here’s to Big Mama, a tooth among teeth,

In my life she has played a big role.

She was ripped from this world by a dentist named Jane.

In her wake there is just a big hole.

What a chewer she was!  She could chomp all day long,

Be it apples or candy or steak,

Just thinking of all that she helped me consume

Is making my heart start to break.

A molar of merit, a dental delight,

My Big Mama was all of these things.

It’s hard to believe that she really is gone.

She’s in heaven now, wearing some wings.

Farewell, my sweet Mama, and thanks for it all,

You were special and that is the truth.

You were loyal, hardworking and one of a kind.

And to me, you were more than “a tooth.”

Rest in peace.

What?  You don’t understand why anyone would give a funeral for a tooth?  What can I tell you?  I guess if you wondered if I was crazy before, now you know for sure! 

 

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More Snow? No!!!

After having a brief reprieve for a couple of days of above-freezing temperatures, thus enabling some of the snow to melt, they’re calling for another onslaught today and tomorrow.  Of course they are!  It’s winter, and the midwest must be punished!  And the icing on the cake is that my appointment for a tooth extraction and oral surgery is Tuesday morning and I have no idea whether or not I’ll be able to make it up the driveway to get there, what with the freezing sleet and all.   But hey!  I don’t want to sink into a snow funk.

No, I thought I’d focus instead, on the “lighter” side of snow by sharing some funny snow shots sent to me by my friend Francie.

For example, here’s a guy making the best of a cold situation.  Pretty cute!

And, there ARE good uses for snow…

Personally, I really like the creativity of this next one.  It’s cool how just two pairs of sunglasses gave this snow personality.

Snow or not, the weekly poker game must go on.

And of course, drinking too much of that beer can only lead to one thing…

So see?  Snow isn’t always a bad thing!   Of course, I might need you to come back and remind me of that tomorrow if I end up shoveling! I have a feeling it won’t be nearly so charming and funny then!

And hey!  Be careful out there!

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Snowmen, Anyone?

Well, Christmas is over and winter, my most unfavorite time of year, is officially here.  Actually, I could cope with the bone-chilling temperatures.  It’s the sleet and ice and snow that eventually drive me up the wall.  So far we’ve been lucky where I live, not having had it too bad yet, but I’m sure our turn is coming.  The only two things I like about snow are: (1) the beauty of the untouched landscape (if you don’t HAVE to get out in it,) and (2) snowmen!  That’s why I thought it would be a good time to post my yearly “Snowman Post.”  I haven’t had a chance to make any snow people of my own yet, but if I do, rest assured I’ll share them with you.  Meanwhile, I’ve been cruising around and have picked up a few pictures I thought you’d enjoy.

I’ll start with the obvious “bargain” snowman…

Then there’s the unexpectedly limber one…  This one makes me smile.  Are those golf club legs?

As a counterpart to the last cute one, we have the violent ones…  I love the one leaning against the house!

Next we have this rather weird one which I must assume is pregnant.  Kinda cute.  That could be an alien baby in front.

And finally, my favorite – a bunch of town snowmen!

You know what I love about this one?  I love the idea of the people who built them.  Did they sneak into the town square at night to create this little army?  Or was it an effort of the whole town?  Did they bring their own buckets for hats?  It’s so neat when adults let themselves be kids again.  Last year when I was building a snowman on my driveway divider using the snow I had just shoveled off, I had a sense that some of my neighbors were watching me from their windows.  Were they thinking that I am just a little bit crazy?  Maybe.  Nothing new there.  But maybe they were a little envious that they couldn’t  just “let go” and come out and join me.  That’s what I’m thinking.

Happy Winter, my friends!

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Marcel the Shell

Sometimes I run across a video so unexpectedly delightful and amusing that I find myself playing it over and over.  So it is with “Marcel the Shell With Shoes On,” directed by Dean Fleischer-Camp and written and voiced by SNL’s Jenny Slate.

Knowing that I find this so adorably touching will tell you something about the kind of person I am.  Its simple childlike innocence makes me want to learn how to make little movies like this myself.   Who knows?  Maybe I will sometime.

Without further ado, enjoy!

If that didn’t give you a smile, you’re just not trying!

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Pictures to Ponder

Not too long ago, a friend sent me these pictures and they’re so interesting, each in its own way, that I wanted to share them.

This first one gives a whole new meaning to the term “a rock in the road.”  It also makes me wonder how they moved it.  That truck in the background looks so small!

How about a tree in the road?  Actually, I think it’s sweet they preserved the tree.  See how the street juts out at the right to accommodate your swerve?

Then there’s our worst nightmare…  If I saw this outside my house, I think I’d simply pass out!  (Or else, take a picture for my blog!) 

Okay, now we need something more benign.  How about some nice, friendly, snow dinosaurs?  How does one begin to carve something like this?

And last, but certainly not least, we have the horse mechanic!  What I love about this is that he has his own little stool to step up on!  I want that horse!

So you see, it isn’t ALWAYS about me blathering on.  Sometimes a picture is truly worth a thousand words.  Hope you enjoyed them.

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A Bit of Silly…

As I’ve said here often – “Silly is good!”  It’s so easy to get bogged down by stupid politics, annoying people, rising prices, diminishing service, and just the out-and-out relentlessness of life that we need to step aside a moment and just “get our silly on!”   So, I have a few odds and ends that I’ve accumulated that just might bring a smile to your face.

Let me start with this Simplified Map of the World that someone sent me.   Personally, I’m kinda glad I’m from the land of freedom and Jesus!

This next one caught my eye just because of the sheer ingenuity of it.   It’s a bicycle camper.  I mean, hey!  If you don’t mind staying alone, you could take this little baby anywhere!  I just wonder how heavy it is.

Okay, if you’re easily offended, skip the next one.  If you’re not, feel free to share my delight in this van belonging to the “TUURRRD BUSTERS!”  Who U gonna call, indeed?

And while we’re in England, let me share this absolutely superb piece of street art.  I love this!

Okay, have you cracked a smile yet?  Maybe a teeny-tiny one?  If not, I just don’t know what to do with you!  I guess I’ll  have to leave you with the infamous “Cat Burglar!”

By the way, leave a comment or the cat gets it!

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The Bug Conspiracy

I managed to go a long time this year before I finally caved and turned on the air conditioning.  All during that time I slept with my  three bedroom windows wide open and during the day I kept my balcony’s sliding glass door open in order to catch the breeze and enjoy the sounds of nature.

Apparently, without my realizing it, I was putting out a welcome mat to various and sundry uninvited guests.

Now, finding insects in your home in the summer is not all that unusual.  I’ve always got a friend or two who complain about an infestation of ants in the kitchen or flies buzzing around the house.  In that case the solution is simple.  You deal with them with insect spray and are done with it.

Unfortunately, MY particular bugs are a lot more devious.  They know that if they appeared en masse I’d poison them or call an exterminator.  But these guys are not that obvious.  They’re waging psychological warfare on me.  In other words, they’re showing up one by one, in unlikely places most of the time.

It started in the kitchen with a gnat…one measly gnat.  He was flying in front of me as I was standing at the sink.  Naturally I assumed he was there because I always have a big bowl of fruit on the counter.  But, he went nowhere near the fruit.  When I’d try to swat him, he’d disappear.  If I stood very still by the fruit, he wouldn’t show up.  When I’d go back to what I was doing, he’d start flying in front of my face again.  Finally I caught him between my fingers and executed him and…no more gnats!  Not one replacement or back-up gnat appeared.

A day or so later I was sitting in the living room watching TV when, lo and behold, what did I observe, but a solitary ant walking across the carpet!  I looked around to see if he had brought any friends, but no.  He was alone.  But, what the heck was he doing in the living room?  Had he hitched a ride on the morning paper and jumped off as soon as he got into the house?  It was strange.  Anyway, I don’t like stepping on bugs because it’s hard to get up the squashed mess.  So, I’ve taken to picking up all bugs (except spiders) with my fingers.  I grabbed this guy and escorted him right out the front door and threw him into the front yard.  “Tell your friends they’re not welcome either!” I told him and slammed the door.

“Okay,” I told myself, “Maybe there’s no conspiracy going on here.  Maybe there’s no ‘One-Bug-At-A-Time’ strategy.  Maybe it’s all just a coincidence. After all, they’re only bugs.”

So the next day I was perched on the throne in my master bathroom on the second floor, gazing into the distance and thinking how wonderful it would be if I won the lottery, when I saw something out of the corner of my eye.  I leaned forward and looked closer and could not believe my eyes!  There on the floor by the door was a fuzzy caterpillar! What the hell?  He was just nonchalantly making his way and I’m sure if I could have heard him, he was singing “Doody-doo, doody-doo. I am here to torture you!” I was so annoyed at the sheer audacity of this guy that I picked him up and gave him a very quick “burial at sea,” if you get my drift.  For crying out loud!  How did he get into my house?  I mean, this guy was obviously too chubby to have slid in through the screen.  And, if he came in through the front door, how did he get to the second floor?

Do these insects have a secret entrance into my home?  Is there a little calendar in their headquarters that lists what day each of them gets a chance at me?  “Okay Beetle, you’re up!” Because if they think this is a big joke, I don’t think it’s very funny.

Now I’ll admit, I haven’t seen any bugs in the house in about three days.  But I know it’s not over.  Oh no, not by a long shot. These guys aren’t through.

They’re just regrouping…

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“Bird City” Back in Business!

If you read this blog regularly, you’ll already know about “Bird City” which is just off my second-story balcony.   If you’re new, here’s the story.  There’s a huge mulberry tree off my balcony which every summer becomes the meeting place for all the birds in my neighborhood.  Although the berries aren’t ripe yet, the birds have already started swooping in to stake their claims.  It wasn’t until I started watching them for hours last year, that I realized that there are all kinds of dramas going on between these birds.  Last year we saw friendships being made, violent quarrels and an elopement of two lovers, leaving an angry father in their wake.  As long as there are berries on the tree, it is a place of noise and action.  There are show-offs who swoop in at ninety miles an hour, grab a berry in their beaks and swoop off into the sky.  There are other birds who seem to love jumping onto a branch, riding it as it bounces up and down, and then jumping onto another.  And then there are the thinkers and observers.

I thought today I’d introduce you to part of the cast of characters who have shown up already.

First we have Angie, the glamor girl, with a beak full of berry.  Observe her beautiful face, with white shadow all around her eyes and black eyelashes.  She also has an elaborate necklace.  I’m pretty sure she is smiling at the camera.

Next there is Ernest.  And that’s just what he is – a serious, sincere observer of all of the antics that go on in this tree.  I particularly love the markings on his back. Ernest is the kind of bird you could sit down and have a good conversation with.  He’s a thinker.

This next one is one of my favorite pictures.  This is Gloria.   When she saw me with the camera, she held very still.  As you can tell by her expression, Gloria is a worrier.  She’s very nervous about personal hygiene and is thus constantly picking at imaginary bugs in her feathers.  That’s why there’s that hole in her breast feathers.  She had just shoved her beak in there in a last-minute attempt to look good for the picture.  Chill, Gloria.  You’re pretty already.

There’s always one grumbler, and in this story, that’s Grumpy.  Grumpy is a little overweight and finds it easier to eat berries that have fallen on the driveway than to exert the effort to fly up into the tree. You can tell by his surly expression that he’s in a foul fowl mood, but it’s his own darned fault!

And, as it is with any society, there is the Outsider.  This is Rupert, who showed up while I was shooting these pictures. He was poking around in the grass next to the tree, but what he really wanted to do was check out the berries on the driveway.  The reason he didn’t is that Grumpy was giving him the Evil Eye.  Since Rupert isn’t the bravest of souls, he stayed at the perimeter.  Isn’t his fur pretty?  We’ll need to find him a girlfriend this summer!  That’s me – “Star, the Bunny Pimp!”

Well, that gives you an idea of the early arrivals to Bird City.  I’m sure the population will grow as the berries begin to ripen.  So, will there be romance?  Excitement?  Violence?  I guess you’ll just have to stay tuned to see what shapes up this summer.

Your faithful bird reporter,

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