Not Exactly Cabin Fever

My nerves aren’t great in the best of times.  And, believe me, these aren’t the best of times.  We’re reaching that point in the winter when I start to get an overwhelming urge to bitch-slap people who annoy me.  Scary, but true.

It’s not as if we’re having snow all the time, but more that the damned weather people are always threatening snow, which is almost worse.  I’ll make plans for the next day and then hear the weather guy saying  there’s a chance of a “snow burst” or freezing sleet tomorrow.  It’s just enough to make me feel tense.

But I think the worse part of it is the constant below-freezing temperatures .  That’s what’s really starting to get to me.  It’s like being trapped in a deep freeze.  I miss spending time outside.  I miss the birds and their singing.  I miss studying the critters, four-legged and insectoid around my house.  I miss my beloved big white puffy clouds, in which I so delight in finding shapes.  And my balcony!  My lovely ten foot by twenty-foot balcony where I spend so much time in spring, summer and fall!  I miss my balcony!  I can’t even sneak out there for a minute, due to huge dollops of snow and ice which cover the floor.

No, when I’m home, I’m a prisoner in my own house! And when I go out, I’m slapped in the face by frigid winds or nearly killed by slippery roads.  Even though my sidewalks are cleared, I have to put on boots to get the morning paper every single morning. Why?  Because my paper man throws like a girl!  No, I take that back.  I’m a girl and I could throw a hell of a lot harder than he does.  One hard throw downhill from the street would send the paper right to my front door.  As it is, he lands it right in the middle of the yard, where the snow comes practically to my knees!  And thus, my Winter Bitch emerges…

I can’t really help it, you know.  Could the Incredible Hulk help it?  Can a werewolf help it?  Of course not!  Circumstances beyond my control push me to the point where my tongue becomes sharper than a Ginsu knife.  I walk into a restaurant for lunch with a friend and when the hostess looks at just the two of us standing there and asks, “Two?” I frown, look puzzled, turn to my friend and ask, “You’re not pregnant, are you?” and then turn back and say, “Yes, just TWO.” 

And when a telemarketer calls and asks, “Is this a good time?” I’ll usually respond, “we’re in the middle of a funeral here, but what do you need?”

This time of year makes me surly.  I have no tolerance for stupidity.  Stir in double vision and a mouth still sore from oral surgery and LOOK OUT!  It’s times like these when I really wish I had one of those professional punching bags because I’d be giving that baby a work out!  (And no, Charles, I don’t want to go to a gym.  Too many innocent lives would be at stake!) The Winter Bitch isn’t all that fond of people…especially stinky sweaty ones in work-out clothes.

No, I’ll try to keep her contained, as best I can until spring.  But between now and then, I desperately hope that no one crosses me because I can’t be held responsible for the results.  As it is, I’m thinking of making a big pile of snowballs tomorrow morning and just waiting there on my front porch.  When the paper man drives up, I’ll be standing there with my hands full, yelling, (in my very best Dirty Harry voice,) “Go ahead and throw it, punk!  MAKE MY DAY!”

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Premature Exultation!

One day this week, after feeling like literal hostages in our own homes, due to the weather, my bud, Babs, and I decided to bust out and have one of our “rambling days.”  These usually consist of going out for a good breakfast, then just letting our car go where it will.  We generally end up exploring new neighborhoods and parts of town and stopping at the odd store or two.  The joy lies in the spontaneity.  And after suffering from cabin fever for so long, we were both primed and ready!

We were deep into a cozy, tree-filled neighborhood when Babs yelled, “Stop!”  I stopped the car in the middle of the road and turned to see what had captured her attention.  There, in the back yard of a house was a large deer, standing there staring straight at us.  We stared back until she decided we weren’t a threat and then continued to mosey around the yard, picking at vegetation here and there.  When I finally started to roll forward again, I saw a second deer on the other side of the house, this one a baby.  It, too, was poking around as if it didn’t have a care in the world.  Although I’ve often seen deer around my own house, the novelty of seeing them in residential areas never ceases to fill me with wonder.

Later in the day we came across not one, but two houses whose yards were absolutely filled with geese!  What was really odd was the fact that neither of these houses was near a lake!  All these geese brought back memories of my cousin Barbara’s pet duck, Ricky, (named after Ricky Nelson, an old rock and roll singer.) When we were young girls, we used to love to fill up the wading pool, put on an Elvis Presley record, and then get in the wading pool with Ricky and gyrate around doing what we considered to be rock and roll.  We would dance around while Ricky would stand there opening and closing his beak, making it look like he was singing the Elvis song. We thought it was hysterically fun.  But, Ricky was always the last duck standing because he would inevitably poop in the pool, sending us screeching to jump out, only to slide and fall on duck poop outside the pool.  If you’ve never encountered it barefooted, let me assure you that duck poop on grass is one of the slickest substances known to man (or little girls in their bathing suits!)

Anyway, in the midst of our wanderings, we ended up by a park where we sometimes walk the track in the summer.  On impulse, I turned into one of the parking places, looked at Babs and said, “Dare we?”  She picked up my eagerness and said, “Why not?”  So we got out of the car.  Now you’d think that maybe we would have gotten a clue by the fact that we couldn’t figure out how to get onto the track because it was surrounded by a tall snow drift that would have meant snow up to our knees if we had stepped in.  But NOOO!  Not the Nature Girls!  We got back into the car and drove around to a side parking lot where we could gain access.  We jumped out of the car with the joy of elementary school kids getting out for recess.  Neither one of us had on a decent coat.  The temperature was under 40 degrees.  But all we could think about was how much we had missed walking like this.  The cement trail was covered in snow in places, so we took detours through the grass.  At one point we couldn’t see a clear place at all, and decided to take another part of the trail we’ve never taken before.  We turned and walked maybe six steps when we were simultaneously hit by an arctic wind.  And this wind was not just cold, it was like a knife trying to slice the skin off of our faces!!!!  It had a ferocity that scared me. I think I even felt my heart stop for a moment.   I turned and said, “Babs, do you think…?” but she was ahead of me, and said, “Let’s get our asses back to the car!”

Now if this were a movie, I would show us trudging to the car like two explorers on the North Pole, covered with frost, struggling against a blizzard that threatened to blow us over.  It was that hard! We were like people who had swum out to the middle of a lake but didn’t have enough energy to swim back.  The car was SO FAR AWAY! We started back slowly, but desperation was making us do this little shuffle-run.  Both of my eyes were welled up in tears and, behind me I could hear Babs making these little “woofing” noises.  Right before we stepped into the car, I heard something hard hit the concrete and bounce.  I’m pretty sure that one of our nipples froze and fell off.

But, to tell you the truth, I’ve been afraid to look…

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Bits & Pieces #14

For the past couple of days, I’ve felt really edgy.  The dictionary describes edgy as “tense, nervous, on edge, anxious, apprehensive, uneasy, unsettled, twitchy, jumpy, keyed up…” you get the idea.  Anyway, those all describe me, but I have no idea why I’m feeling that way.  I don’t feel like going out, but I end up wandering around the house, doing this and doing that, but not being able to settle at anything.  I’m getting a lot of little jobs done, but not receiving much satisfaction.  Finally, I did what anyone in this situation would probably do.  I gave myself a temporary Indian tattoo on the side of my stomach!  Yeah, I know… classy, huh?

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Years ago I worked with a sophisticated, but sassy lady, let’s call her Gloria.  She was older than me and seemed terribly worldly and was a blast to be around.  She had been married and then divorced and then dated one of the astronauts for quite a long time.  She had a naughty outrageous sense of humor and I loved bantering back and forth with her.  She finally retired and moved down south.

This Christmas I got a letter and picture from her, well, not from her, exactly, but from her two daughters.  She apparently has Alzheimer’s or dementia and now lives in a group home.  The daughters talk about how her memory has faded but add that she still laughs now and then.  But, it was the picture that got to me.  It’s of her and the two daughters.  The daughters look glamorous, like models.  But my friend Gloria looks…how can I put this?  She looks lost…confused…and a bit sad.  It broke my heart.  I couldn’t reconcile this woman in the picture with that crazy hell-raiser I used to know.  And I could only think that, there, but for the grace of God, goes any one of us.  It’s tragic.  And it’s a reminder to cherish EVERY SINGLE DAY.

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As I’m writing this, I’m looking out the window and the sun is shining blindingly bright on the snow, but I know it’s still freezing outside.  I’m thinking of suing Mother Nature for false advertising!  I hate that brightness!  What we need are more big puffy white clouds in the winter.  I haven’t seen any lately.  Why don’t you just wake me up when it’s spring, okay?

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Stricken With Cabin Fever!

I think it’s the frigid temperatures that are doing it to me.  (Either that, or I’m losing it altogether!) For the past few days I’ve been feeling edgy and aimless.  It’s not that we’ve gotten lots of snow.  When we do, and it’s cold and dark outside, it’s easier for me to assume my “hibernation mode,” and curl up with a good book or DVD and just dream away the days.  No, it’s the below-zero temperatures day after day that are driving me crazy!  Right now, as I write this, the sun is just beaming outside, saying, “Come on out!  The weather’s fine!”  But it’s a lie!  I know the moment I step outside, the hairs inside my nose will turn into tiny icicles, (which is not a good look for me!) I ran errands a couple of days ago, and in the short time it took me to load up my car in the Wal-mart parking lot, I was chilled to the bone.  By the time I had put the cart back and scurried into the car, my teeth were literally chattering!

So, I’ve been staying in as much as possible, but there’s the problem.  I can’t focus.  I can’t settle down.  Being the kind of person I am, I feel compelled to accomplish at least one productive thing each day but I’m having trouble getting motivated.  There are loads of things I could do.  I got a Flip Digital camcorder this Christmas and I want to teach myself how to make mini-movies.  That sounds like fun.  But I just can’t get started.  I have a kitchen and three bathrooms that could all use a little caulking, but I just don’t care.  I’d even like to repaint my downstairs bathroom, but feel no sense of urgency.  I just wander around the house, doing little piddly things.  The truth is – I HATE WINTER.

I miss not having the windows open with a cool breeze blowing in.  I miss hearing the birds singing outside.  I miss the green leaves on my trees.  I miss my neighbor, Iris, and our long chats out on the balcony or the front porch.  I miss fiddling around with a little village I’ve established in my shrubbery bed out front.  A lot of people who live here in the Midwest where I do, extol the virtues of having four seasons.  Well I say, bosh to that!  Give me a perpetual spring, like in Southern California or parts of Florida, and I’ll gladly sacrifice summer and fall!

This horrid cold is starting to get to me.  Look up the word “restless” in the dictionary and you’ll see a definition of:  “uneasy, ill at ease, restive, fidgety, edgy, on edge, tense, worked up, nervous, agitated, anxious, on tenterhooks, keyed up; informal jumpy, jittery, twitchy, uptight, antsy”… right along with a picture of …ME!

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