To Christmas Tree or Not to Christmas Tree…

Well, one can’t escape it.  Black Friday heralded the beginning of our being bombarded with Christmas music, Christmas decorations and messages to buy, buy, buy!  Usually on Thanksgiving day, I put up a four foot tree in the living room and a mini-tree up in my bedroom.  I decorate the house, and then, usually a few days later, put up some outside “signs of the season.”  But I haven’t this year.

Here’s my dilemma:  every year my “main Christmas” was spent with my last remaining family, my little sister, Randi.  She’d come over and we’d go out for a nice dinner.  Then we’d come back to my house and open presents and then laugh and talk and share memories for hours.  But, if you’ve read much of this blog, you know why that’s not going to happen this year.  If you haven’t, suffice it to say, she’s not in my life anymore and this will be a very different Christmas for me. Consequently, I just can’t get in the mood.  I have friends I buy presents for, but I can’t even get motivated to do that.

So, as I see it, I have two options.  I can put up my trees and hope that they bring “the spirit” with them.  After all, I do love twinkly lights!  But, in doing that, I run the risk of being reminded over and over that Randi won’t be coming over to share them with me.  And I wonder if, after awhile, it will feel like the festive decorations are somehow mocking me…you know, “everyone has someone to share Christmas with but you , Star!”  It could throw me into a pit of self-pity, and I don’t want that under any circumstances.

My other option is to simply take a “pass” this year.  Leave the house the way it is, and try to avoid getting overly sentimental, although I’m sure that will happen from time to time.  I could just plan to watch movies or do whatever it takes to distract me.  Then maybe next year, I’ll have enough distance from the hurt and pain that I can go back to enjoying the holidays.

And, I suppose there is a third option, where I could do a little, just not the whole shebang.  I’ve been going back and forth about this and I’m just kind of numb at this point.

So, Gentle Reader, what do you think?  I could use any and all advice.  Just hit “comment” and give me your view of things.  Have you ever had to deal with the holidays during a bad time in your life?  How did you cope?  Should I decorate or just give myself a break?  Anything you’re willing to share will be greatly appreciated, I assure you.

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The universe answers…and says “gotcha!”

“Things will be fine.  The sun will come out tomorrow.  Expect the best.  Be of good cheer.  It’s always darkest before the dawn.  Don’t invite trouble.  Everything will turn out okay.”  Add in a few thousand more “upbeat” cliches, and you’ll have my new mantra.

In previous posts, I’ve talked about a new neighbor moving in, and it has finally happened.  Now, in my own defense, I want you to understand that I know I’ve been spoiled.  For the past three years I’ve had single women living on both sides of me who were quiet, considerate great neighbors.  So, I’ve been lulled into believing that it would always be thus.  One of the things I’ve loved about living here is the quiet.

First reports were that the new person was a divorced woman with one little girl.  “Okay,” I thought, “two people living in that house – no biggie.”  Well, it appears I was wrong.  From what I can tell, she has not one, not two, not three, but four children, some teenagers.  O-kay.  So now I know that there will be a lot of people living over there, coming and going.  I’ll just have to adjust to a little more noise.  But then, as I was sitting reading my paper this morning, I saw two of the girls walking by the driveway holding on to…(please don’t let it be a leash!!!) a leash.  I immediately sent up a prayer, “At least let it be a tiny foo-foo dog!“  Then I got a glimpse of this gigantic black hound.  O-kay.  I’ve always had a fear of big dogs ever since I was almost devoured by one as a child, but, okay.  I said my mantra and continued to read my paper.  I was fine until the howling started out on their balcony, making the hairs stand up on my arms.  To be fair, it stopped quickly, and has only happened about once an hour since.

Now I’m NOT anti-kids or anti-dogs in general.  I’ve known some perfectly nice dogs and I was once a kid myself.  But at the last place I lived, the whole neighborhood was terrorized and annoyed by a house full of vandalizing kids who had dogs that barked all night long.  So, emotionally, I’m coming from a bad place. But this could be a totally different situation.  So, why am I feeling such forboding, anxiety?  I know it’s irrational but it’s like I already feel as if I’m outnumbered.  I’m just a woman living alone, wanting to be a good neighbor and be respected in return.  I don’t want to feel this way. I want to get rid of this dread.  But, what can I do? Wait!  I know…

“Things will be fine.  The sun will come out tomorrow.  Expect the best.  Be of good cheer.  It’s always darkest before the dawn.  Don’t invite trouble.  Everything will turn out okay.”

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A case of the “sads”…

I didn’t write anything yesterday because I was busy trying to outrun a big case of the “sads.”  The best way to describe this condition is to picture me as a tiny stick figure walking down a lonely road.  Above and slightly behind me is a huge, dark, furious-looking storm cloud and it’s moving in on me fast.  If I falter or slow down the slightest bit, a coldness begins to enshroud me and my mood starts to plummet.  Occasionally, when I become too tired to run, the sads close in and all the stresses, disappointments and annoyances I’ve been trying not to think about, hit me hard, and I tend to withdraw.

Now I know some people cling to their grievances, going over and over them, as if they were the prayer beads of their existence.  That’s not me.  For the most part, I try to be a positive, “up” person, counting my blessings instead.  But, I have learned over time that there are all sorts of contributing factors that bring the sads on.  Some are in my control, but many aren’t.  For example, the new neighbor (who hasn’t yet moved in,) is having all sorts of work done on the house every day.  I’ve been trying to ignore the thumps and bumps and constant hammering.  But this week, there were two days when men were over there installing tile.  They didn’t begin until about 4:00 p.m.  They set up their tile saw on her front porch and sawed and sawed and sawed way into the night. It so happens they were almost right under my open bedroom window.  Now I don’t know if you’ve ever heard a tile saw, but the sound is like a banshee being tortured by a mad dentist!  Needless to say, those were two nights in a row that I didn’t get my quota of sleep. When I’m tired, I’m vulnerable.  When I’m vulnerable, the sads pounce…

There are a million other little things all ganging up on me right now and experience has taught me that the best I can do is to simply ride it out. And, ride it out I will.

By the way, this condition is not to be confused with what my friend, Dean used to call “the mean reds.”  The mean reds are much more proactive.  The mean reds are when so many things are getting on your nerves, that you have an overwhelming urge to just go kick the poop out of somebody.  I think I’d like that ever so much better! I don’t have those today, but…the new neighbor is moving in Saturday, so time will tell.

What do you do when the “sads” are closing in on you?

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Hanging in…

When your whole world
gets turned upside down,
it’s easy to become bitter…
But, giving into bitterness
is like wandering down a blind alley -
you’ll expend a lot of energy,
but you’ll never get anywhere.
The bad times are the times
that will reveal
what you’re really made of.
You can rise to the occasion
and come out like a fighter,
or you can cower in a corner,
immobilized by helplessness.
It’s a choice.  Your choice.
It’s not easy to pick yourself up
and keep going,
when it seems all the world is against you.
But then again,
that corner is an awfully lonely place
to spend the rest of your life.

Star

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