The Devil In Me

We all have them – a day or a week or a month where it seems like everything that can go wrong, DOES go wrong.  And they don’t have to be big things, just a bunch of little setbacks or disappointments is enough to really annoy us.  I try to be patient and to just take things in stride.  “That’s okay, I understand,” or “Well, that’s life!” But, as the things begin to pile up, the little devil inside crawls up onto my shoulder and  whispers “Stop being so damned nice!  It’s not okay!  Don’t let them get away with it!  Kick someone!  Smack someone!  Show them you’re not weenie!” This past week has been such a week for me.

It started out looking good.  On Tuesday the weather was nice enough that I could finally take Jilly (my car) to the car wash to get rid of all the mud and dirt that had accumulated on her sides from the snow.  It was seven bucks, but worth every penny.  When she pulled out, she looked gorgeous, all shiny and pretty.  Then I met my friend, Charles, for lunch.  This was really a treat because we hadn’t been able to keep our regular schedule lately, due to my Prednisone puffy face and then later, the oral surgery.  We sat there chattering like the two close friends we are.

Then I went home.  End of cheery week.  I got a call from my dentist’s office.  About a week ago I had gotten impressions taken for what they call a “treatment partial.”  What this is is a temporary partial containing three molars  which will enable me to actually chew food on both sides of my mouth for the three months I am waiting for my dental implants to grow in.  When they had told me it would take about two weeks for it to be ready, I wasn’t thrilled, but, hey!  What was I gonna do?  So anyway on Tuesday they call to tell me that the lab “had a problem” with the impression and thus I would have to come back in Wednesday to get impressions re-taken!  Oh great!  Of course I was gracious about it, but my little devil was fuming.  “So now how long will it take?” she asked. “Don’t they realize that you really need those teeth to eat?  You know, I don’t think they care about what you have to go through.  I really don’t!”

So Wednesday I wake up to fog warnings on the news.  I looked out the window and, sure enough, the fog outside was thicker than I’d ever seen it.  Nonetheless, nothing was going to stand between me and my teeth!  Aren’t I the woman who went out in the blizzard to have oral surgery?  Oh yes I am!.  So I gingerly hit the road a bit early to run an errand first.  Whoa!  One thing I had forgotten about driving in thick fog is that, not being able to see any signs or landmarks, you lose all sense of perspective.  It was actually quite scary.  I was heading to Walgreens but after a while I began to think I would end up in the next state over.  Fortunately I finally saw some traffic and joined a conga line of cars.  However, heading back to the dentist’s office I saw the turn when I was well past it, and had to turn around and go back.  The gal at the office had told me that it would only take a few minutes so I didn’t bring my Kindle.  Naturally I ended up having to wait ten minutes.  (“And no one apologized!” the devil-me pointed out.)  The office manager still thinks I’ll get the partial this coming Thursday, but I will be mighty surprised if I do.

When I inched my way back home and got Jilly into the garage, I noticed something discouraging.  She was totally filthy again! Seven bucks down the drain, just like that!  (“It was the dentist office’s fault! my little devil pointed out.  “If they hadn’t called you in, you wouldn’t have gone out in this stuff and Jilly wouldn’t have been splashed the way she was.  You ought to kick those people’s asses! “)

Thursday I had a 2:15 appointment with my eye doctor/surgeon.  He’s the one that told me that I needed to have appointments every six weeks to see if my eyes have stabilized.  Once he has three stable readings, he can do surgery and maybe, just maybe, I can join the world of normal vision once more.  This appointment was for the second reading.  They had already set it up for seven weeks because he had something scheduled the week before, so I was more than eager.  Then the phone rang at 9:30.  Bad sign.  It was his office, calling to tell me he had a “family emergency” and I would have to be rescheduled for next week.  “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that!” I said, nice as can be.  Meanwhile, my devil-me was saying,  “Family emergency, my foot!  Ten to one he’s playing golf!” So now the second reading will be at eight weeks.  In a situation where hope is always retreating, it was just one more blow.

I could go on and tell you how on Friday my grocery store was out of three things I regularly use  for the third week in a row, but what’s the point?  Obviously I’m going to have to break up with that store.  I just need to work myself up to it.

The devil-me is getting disgusted with me.  She wants me to bitch more, to raise a stink now and then.  She thinks people are rolling right over me.  And she could be right.  I don’t know.  I’d rather not argue with her.

Believe me, she’s not someone you want for an enemy!

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My New Best Friend

Recently I’ve written about  how I was worried about my emotional state this Christmas, in view of the fact that this past year has not been the best in my life.  Well, I’m pleased to report that lately I’ve been doing really well!  And, in part, I owe this surprising development to some advice I got a long time ago, but had forgotten.  Someone once told me that we all should treat ourselves with as much love and compassion as we show our friends and family.  Easier said than done.  But I’m in a place in my life where, without a mother or a sister or significant other, I need someone to care about my feelings and my needs, not just when it’s convenient, but twenty-four hours a day.  And I’ve finally found such a person…ME.

Now I’m not talking about the “Everyday Star.”  I’m sorry to admit that I’ve always tended to react too emotionally to things.  I’m the kind of person who can often be wounded with a dirty look and demolished by acts of disloyalty.  When something goes wrong, I always wonder if it’s my fault.  No, I’m talking about another part of me that I’ve just recently let emerge.  Let’s call her “Sister Star” because she’s nurturing and loving and helps keep things in perspective. She’s the part of me who always takes a deep breath and thinks before reacting.

This is the part of me who, when I’ve done something really nice for someone and don’t even receive a “thanks,” steps in and says, “Don’t get angry.  Their ingratitude in no way diminishes the fact that you’ve done the right thing.  This says more about them than you.  Let it go.”

When I see too many Christmas commercials showing the “perfect” family and am starting to sink into depression, Sister Star steps in and reminds me that being in a family is no guarantee of happiness.  She recalls past stressful holidays with my stepmother and my ex-in-laws.  She points out that we’re going to have a lovely Christmas because we’re free, independent and at peace.  Whatever we say – goes.  She points out all the blessings we have and how very lucky we are.  And she’s right.  God has been good.

Just this past week I had a Christmas lunch with a good friend of mine, who has moved from the city where I live to a very small town.  We had a nice time, but, as we sat and talked, I realized that the shape of our friendship has changed.  I could sense that she has started to distance herself from her city friends in favor of her new small town friends.  They’ve become her priority.  I don’t doubt that I’m still important to her, but I feel our bond is weakening with time and distance.  When I was driving home, I started to feel sad, like I was being abandoned by everybody I care about.

That’s when Sister Star popped up and said, “Whoa!  Slow down, sister!  First of all, remember that whole Serenity Prayer thing where it says, ‘accept the things I cannot change?’  Well, you can’t change this.  It is what it is.  This long-time friend may be changing her life, but what about all your other friends?  What are they?  Chopped liver?  What about your friend, Francie, with whom you’ve only been close for about three years, who was there every step of the way for you when your sister broke your heart?  Remember how she called you long distance and helped you talk it out…for two hours?  Doesn’t she make you feel loved?   Or Charles?  You and he have been email and lunch buddies for like…forever!  What would you do without him?  And he hasn’t gone anywhere!   And your ex-neighbor, Iris, who may have moved, but is still a friend?  And what about Shar and Dee?  Girlfriend, you’ve got friends!  I will NOT let you brood about this!”

And the miracle is – I didn’t.

I’m feeling stronger and much more positive.  Maybe Sister Star has always been a part of me, since I was a little girl, but I’m just now letting her out.  Maybe I’ve always been afraid to put myself first, even when it was a matter of survival.  I just feel that for too long I’ve let the emotional side of me rule my life and I’ve been hurt too many times when I should have been strong.  My Sister Star part of me is better, stronger and more in control of my life and my future, and I’m sure glad she showed up when she did.  Better late than never.

And oh, yeah, I’m going to let her stay… As a matter of fact, I just may have to buy her a real nice Christmas present!  I know just the kind of thing she’d like.

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