My Weather Moods

As I’m writing this, I can just feel a bad “weather mood” trying to sneak up on me.  I don’t even have to go outside to know.  There is blinding sunlight illuminating my entire  living room, to the point where I almost need sunglasses inside.  If one didn’t know better, one would assume that it’s like Miami Beach outside.  But it isn’t.  It’s 20 frigid degrees! And the reason things are so bright is that the sun is being reflected off all the snow covering the ground.  I hate days like this.  It’s as if the sun is mocking me.  When it’s this cold, I want the sky to match. Give me some clouds.  Give me some overcast.  Don’t try to blind me with your fake “summer lighting.”  It’s just not right.

I don’t know if weather affects everyone like this or not.  But I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t weather-sensitive.  I don’t mean I get crazy or lose my mind or anything, but I AM always affected by conditions outside, whatever they may be.

It’s like a few weeks ago when I was doing a long list of errands.  I was walking through the parking lot on my way into the grocery store and the temperature was in the teens.  It was dark and gloomy and a light sleet was coming down.  Now if that were all, I would have said, “Okay, it’s winter.  What do you expect?”  But right then, to add insult to injury, gale-force winds began to blow, making my hair stand on end and slapping that sleet right into my face!  I recall yelling something like, “Oh, come ON!” as I rushed into the store.  Weather is like that, you know.  It can can get nasty…on purpose.

But it’s not just a case of whether or it’s sunny or raining or snowing.  It’s the whole atmosphere that’s created that can get under my skin or conversely, make my day.  Give me a day when it’s warm and balmy, with hardly a breeze and a big blue sky with giant puffy white clouds and I’m in heaven.  Days like that give me such a sense of well-being.  On the other hand, days like today, with that glaring sun beating down on the snow, well, they just piss me off.

I have a close friend, Rose, who loves gloomy days when the skies are overcast and it’s raining or at least threatening to rain.  She says they make her want to hide away and cuddle up with a book and a warm drink.  I can totally understand that.  I like moody days like that, too, especially in the Fall with the sound of geese honking overhead.

Weather provides the backdrop to our lives and, as such, should know its place.  The sun should learn how to share the sky with the clouds and stop being such a show-off.  The wind should be kept on a very short leash and learn to curb its destructive tendencies.  Snow should learn just when to quit. (After awhile, Snow, you stop being pretty and just start looking cheap and dirty!) And rain, although welcome, should never overstay its visit.

It would be so nice if the elements would cooperate with me, but alas, I know it’s not to be.  They’ll just continue to mold me to their will.  I’m the one who will always have to yield.  And with that said, you’ll have to excuse me.  I’m going to go close the damned blinds before I get sunburned!

 

 

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My Share Of Snow

This is what greeted me when I opened my front door Thursday morning!  To give you some perspective, those solar lights usually hang on stakes which are a little over a foot high.  Also, they’ve never before had cone heads! I was fascinated by the image.

Many mornings when I need to make my way through snow to get the paper, I use a broom to kind of “sweep” the snow to one side.  Not yesterday.  Oh, I tried, but it was so deep and heavy that it didn’t budge a bit.  Fortunately, for the first time this entire year, my paper man actually must have thrown the paper with some spirit because it had skittered down my hill and was only a few steps away.  Nonetheless, just wading out to get it felt like sloshing through deep water.

Actually, not long ago I spoke about how lucky we’ve been compared to the East coast, snow-wise.  This was only our second big snowfall, but it was a doozy!  Naturally all the schools closed, as they have been more often than not since Christmas. I felt lucky that I didn’t have to go out.

I ate a hearty breakfast of oatmeal and toast, anticipating the shoveling ordeal to come. After reading the paper, I put on my boots, mittens, EarPops and parka and, looking a bit like the Michelin Man, tramped down the basement stairs to head out to the garage.  And that’s when a miracle occurred.  When the garage door rose, I was astonished to see that my driveway had been plowed! OMG!  Usually our maintenance people plow the big main driveway but not our individual drives which feed into it.  Well, that good deed along with the paper man making an effort was almost more than my poor old heart could take!  What next?  Tom Selleck in my bed?

Anyway, now that we’ve had our token “big snow” I’m totally ready to move on into Spring.  Unfortunately, they’re talking about more Sunday and Monday.  The snow’s a hassle.  The ice is downright scary.  And this year it seems it has been colder than usual, so I’m already sick of winter.  And I have the perfect picture to illustrate it, courtesy of Michelle who, knowing my propensity for collecting snowmen, posted one in her blog yesterday just for me.

Doesn’t this really sum up how winter makes us feel?  Or is it just me?

 

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Nature’s Hostage

Have you ever heard the saying, “Man plans.  God laughs?”    Well, it’s true when woman plans, too!  Today, (Monday, when I’m writing this, ) I was supposed to go to the lab and get my blood drawn for a medication check.  Then Tuesday at 8:00 I had an appointment with my (second)  new dentist to look at my Big Mama tooth where the filling dropped out.  I say “had” and “was supposed to” because a winter storm is, even as I speak, packing with the streets with snow and accidents.  And the thing is, according to our weatherman, “we ain’t seen nothing yet!”

Sunday night they were telling us that the snow would start sometime around 2:00 a.m. Monday and would continue the entire day, not letting up until Tuesday morning.  Sure enough, I woke up to find a world transformed to white.  When I went out to get the newspaper at 5:15 a.m., I tried to push snow off my sidewalk with a broom to make my way into the yard and was shocked at how much had fallen already.  When I went back inside after sweeping a little, several sidewalk squares were completely clear.  Thirty minutes later it was if I had done nothing!  This morning they’re saying the really heavy band of snow is on its way and should be here by noon.

I imagine I could have gone to the lab this morning, but I knew exactly how it would be.  Traffic was crawling on the highway, so what is normally a twenty-minute drive would have taken thirty to forty minutes or more, and that’s if I didn’t slide into a guard rail or something, which, according to the radio, many people were doing.   The lab parking lot would be plowed, but not to the concrete, leaving packed snow and cars parked every which way since people couldn’t see the lines.  I’d park my little Jilly and when I came back out, I’d have to brush the snow off of her and pray to God I didn’t get stuck.  As much as I love small cars, it’s easy to get stuck in them.  I can’t tell you the times I’ve had to rely on the kindness of strangers to give me a push so I could get out of a rut.  Then it would be another thirty or forty white-knuckled minutes to get me back home again.  And by then the driveway would be completely covered once more.  Oh yeah, fun times. I chose to simply opt out.

As for my appointment Tuesday morning, I decided to use simple logic.  Bad snow to start Monday morning + Worse snow coming Monday afternoon = A Nightmare trying to get out of my driveway in time to make an 8:00 a.m. appointment.  When I called the dentist’s office to reschedule, the secretary said I wasn’t the first.  I asked her how it was for her coming in and she shuddered and said, “Awful!”  I think I made a good call, even if it means refilling the tooth with temporary filling stuff a couple of days until my new appointment Thursday.

I know these storms are hitting half the country and my heart goes out to all of you who HAVE to go out in it to work.  Heaven knows, for some thirty years I, too, had to drive to work in sickness and in health and in blizzards that scared the hell out of me.  Even though it’s probably not practical, I’ve always thought employers should have some kind of policy for “snow days.”  They might as well, because on really horrible snow-stormy days, those of us who were brave enough to battle the elements and make it to work then proceeded to spend at least half a day regaling each other about how “we almost died” coming to work! But at least we were there!  Pretty dumb, isn’t it?

But now I’m retired. (Hallelujah!) And one thing that made retiring so very seductive and alluring was the idea that, on days when the snow was coming down and the roads were treacherous, I’d no longer have to start tensing up the night before and risk my life on icy roads to get to work.  No, instead I could stay inside where it’s safe and warm and read or write and thank the Lord that that’s one stress I’ve finally been spared.

And that’s exactly what I’m doing today.  

Stay safe, my friends,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Thursday Rants…

My daddy often used to say “It’s a great world if you don’t weaken!”  Now that’s a good optimistic viewpoint, but, honestly, sometimes when you’re surrounded by idiots, it’s hard to stay strong.

First of all, there are the damned phone menus. Some are worse than others, and I think I got entangled in one of the worse today.  I was just trying to call my health insurance customer service number to find out if routine eye exams were covered.  I dialed the number and a syrupy cheerful voice said, “Hello!  In order to direct your call more efficiently, we need to get some information from you!  Who is calling?  Say ‘customer’ if you are a customer and ‘health care provider’ if you are a health care provider.”  Do you know how stupid that makes you feel, sitting in your kitchen and chirping “customer” on cue? She then wants your membership number, your social security number and your phone number.  And, heaven help you if you don’t respond clearly.  Then you’ll get, “I’m sorry.  I didn’t understand.  Could you please repeat that?”  Ah, come on!  How “sorry” can she be?  She’s a fricking computer, for heavens sakes! Then you get the list.  “Please repeat the number of the service you are seeking.”  And then she proceeds to list about twelve things, none of which describe exactly why you’re calling.  I read somewhere that if you just start yelling, “Associate,” it will often get you to a human being.  I tried that and, glory hallelujah, it worked!  But by then I had already lost ten minutes of my life in “phone menu limbo.”  And of course, she directed me to two different numbers and I was exposed to the very same hell.  Another company I deal with has a recorded voice of a girl who sounds like she’s in the middle of a party.  She says everything like some rah-rah Suzie Cheerleader and it makes me want to smack her right in the kisser! What’s wrong with human customer service?

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Second, there’s the tendency by government and everyone else to want to run our lives! It’s bad enough that Michelle Obama wants millions of dollars so that she can tell parents and schools what they should feed their little darlings and how their gym classes should be conducted.  Now we’ve got the American Academy of Pediatrics demanding warning labels on foods that toddlers could choke on, specifically hot dogs!  Hello?  Do you honestly think that if a parent is neglectful enough to pop a hotdog in a toddler’s mouth and then ignore them, that they will take the time to read a warning label? That is, if they can even read?  Does that mean there should be labels on everything that could choke a child, from marbles to Bic lighters?  Give me a break!  You can’t legislate common sense.  Just let people live their lives!  The ignorant we shall always have with us.

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And finally, I’m getting royally sick and tired of this. Those piles of snow were shoveled off the driveway personally, by me.

And this wasn’t just soft fluffy “play snow.”  Here is a close up of one of my side piles.

Those big lumps are like mini-icebergs!  I had to crack the ice to get them up.  Such fun.  Such a lovely way to spend a morning!  But, you know what?  I did a great job.  And you know why?  Because of my super special magical “snow shoveling boots!” Good thing I have them!

Let’s just pray I don’t need them too many more times.  I’d hate to have to watch myself go slowly insane!

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Snow, A Bit Overblown

Well, they did it again!

The “they” I refer to is our local weather forecasters.  For the past five days they’ve talked of two upcoming snowstorms.  The first was not supposed to be too bad, but the SECOND, oh my goodness!  “Brace yourself for the second!” they said.  Uh huh.  The storm that was predicted for Sunday night into Monday morning was supposed to be somewhere in the neighborhood of five to eight inches.  (I realize this is nothing compared to what the East coast is getting.) But still, eight inches of snow on unplowed roads can be pretty bad around here.  And since my main driveway goes uphill to the street and since I have a tiny, lightweight car, I pay attention to these forecasts.  The more they blew this thing up, the more nervous I became, even rescheduling an appointment I had for Monday.  Then on Sunday, two of the local channels announced that they would be airing an hour earlier Monday morning to keep people updated on the road conditions.

So it was with dread that I opened the front door Monday morning at 5:00 to get the paper, only to be greeted with this sight:

I took the picture with the infra-red feature on my camera and I think it is hauntingly beautiful.  But, look carefully at the street, the completely clear street! This scene doesn’t exactly scream “Storm of the Century,” does it?  Even the sidewalk in front of my home was clear.

So once again, the local weather forecasters succeeded in getting the whole metropolitan area tensed up and fearing the worse…for nothing!  And what’s really irritating about this is that we’ve had some really horrific snows this winter with very little warning. Oh well,  I just wish they’d  take a chill pill once in a while and not try to make each weather development into a major event.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m grateful that this thing didn’t turn out to be  like what we’re seeing in Washington D.C. and Baltimore.  I’d be even happier if there wasn’t one place where the snow  did accumulate - the once and only place I have to shovel…

my driveway!

I guess I’ll bring this to a close now.  There’s a shovel in the basement that has my name written all over it!

P.S. I just finished shoveling, but couldn’t resist the urge to create  “Little Miles!”

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Dear January,

Dear January,

Well, you old fart, it looks like you’re on your last legs, and I can’t say I’m sorry!  To be honest, I haven’t enjoyed your visit this year one little bit.  First of all, you swoop in, practically stepping on December’s heels, virtually taking over.  And then, rather than bring your own weather, you copy December’s.  And you don’t just copy it, you big showboat, you magnify it by ten! I mean, what’s with that?  You haven’t always been like this.  You used to be modest and reasonable, but not this time!  Oh no!  You come stomping in with your size gazillion shoes, and to heck with anyone else!

What I’d like to know is why have you been so dark and sullen?  Did you miss the Calendar Ball or something?  Did July refuse to give you a date?  Or did you just get up on the wrong side of the year?

I think you know, January, that I have a regular column in this blog called “On Cloud Patrol.”  It’s filled with pictures of big fluffy clouds in which I point out shapes and pictures.  Well, guess how many clouds I’ve seen during YOU?  No, guess!  NONE, you lazy bugger!  Every time I could go outside without fear of freezing my eyeball fluid, I’ve looked up to see a gray, watery-looking sky with not a cloud in sight!  Thanks a whole lot!  Not!

But, to be honest, what got me really, really, steamed was the whole snow and ice thing you pulled this year.  What are you, insane? We’ve had more ice and snow during you than I can ever remember!  Slick streets, frozen mailboxes and car-sized snow drifts have all been your little New Year’s “gifts” to me.  And I hate to put it to you, but those things weren’t on my list.  I’m not unreasonable.  I could have taken a little of this junk, if only you would have given us some recovery time in between.  But NO!  Not big ass January!  You just couldn’t stop, could you?  You’ve made things so difficult for so many people, but do you care?  Hell no!  You’re January – big, bossy, cruel and with a heart of solid ice.

Well, guess what, Big Boy?  Your time is just about up and I, for one, say “good riddance!”

Don’t let the door hit you on your way out!

Sincerely,

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Bits & Pieces #14

For the past couple of days, I’ve felt really edgy.  The dictionary describes edgy as “tense, nervous, on edge, anxious, apprehensive, uneasy, unsettled, twitchy, jumpy, keyed up…” you get the idea.  Anyway, those all describe me, but I have no idea why I’m feeling that way.  I don’t feel like going out, but I end up wandering around the house, doing this and doing that, but not being able to settle at anything.  I’m getting a lot of little jobs done, but not receiving much satisfaction.  Finally, I did what anyone in this situation would probably do.  I gave myself a temporary Indian tattoo on the side of my stomach!  Yeah, I know… classy, huh?

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Years ago I worked with a sophisticated, but sassy lady, let’s call her Gloria.  She was older than me and seemed terribly worldly and was a blast to be around.  She had been married and then divorced and then dated one of the astronauts for quite a long time.  She had a naughty outrageous sense of humor and I loved bantering back and forth with her.  She finally retired and moved down south.

This Christmas I got a letter and picture from her, well, not from her, exactly, but from her two daughters.  She apparently has Alzheimer’s or dementia and now lives in a group home.  The daughters talk about how her memory has faded but add that she still laughs now and then.  But, it was the picture that got to me.  It’s of her and the two daughters.  The daughters look glamorous, like models.  But my friend Gloria looks…how can I put this?  She looks lost…confused…and a bit sad.  It broke my heart.  I couldn’t reconcile this woman in the picture with that crazy hell-raiser I used to know.  And I could only think that, there, but for the grace of God, goes any one of us.  It’s tragic.  And it’s a reminder to cherish EVERY SINGLE DAY.

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As I’m writing this, I’m looking out the window and the sun is shining blindingly bright on the snow, but I know it’s still freezing outside.  I’m thinking of suing Mother Nature for false advertising!  I hate that brightness!  What we need are more big puffy white clouds in the winter.  I haven’t seen any lately.  Why don’t you just wake me up when it’s spring, okay?

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Snow…Snow…Snow…No!

Just to remind myself, two storms ago, I was at least compensated with this beautiful sunrise. Doesn’t the sky look so cool with those stripes of color?

But, anyway, we were warned about the storm that came the day before yesterday. They called for at least six inches of snow and arctic winds so cold as to be dangerous.  So, I just accepted the prediction calmly, knowing that I would have to shovel out my driveway yet again.  So there I was, the night before, sleeping the sleep of the innocent (okay, who laughed?) when I was awakened by the sound of a shovel trying to crack ice…it was very loud, I can assure you.  My eyes popped open and my first thought was that our Homes Association guys were really being proactive this time.  But that couldn’t be right.  It was still dark outside!  I glanced up at the clock and discovered it was 3:04 a.m.! I stumbled downstairs and peeped out of the glass in my front door, only to see my neighbor, FedEx, out there trying to break ice on the driveway or something.  Crap!  I cuddled back into bed and it was darned near impossible to get to sleep with that sound in the background.  But I must have managed because at 3:40, the sound woke me again.  This time it was some anonymous person out doing the same thing!  I gave up and got up.

In order to get my paper and put my trash at the curb, I had to literally shovel my way to the top of the hill.  (This was at 5:00 a.m.)  Here is my pathway.  Just the way to start one’s day!

I peeked out to the balcony to discover that my yucca plant had turned into an alien!  Note all the little spikes coming out.

Although I couldn’t get the frozen screen open, I managed to take a sideways picture of my patio table.  A serving of snow, anyone?

Finally, when it was light, I made the mistake of stepping out on the front porch without a coat.  Whoa!  The wind was frigid and blowing snow everywhere!  But my eye was caught by something neat.  Way up in a bare tree, I saw this nest which is topped with snow, making it a virtual “snow cone.”  I have to wonder if anyone  is hiding in that nest, using the snow as insulation. It was very odd looking.

So anyway, that was yesterday.  I spent the rest of the day INSIDE where the sane people hang out.  Pretty soon here I have to decide whether to brave the streets to run some errands, or hole up like some cranky  hermit all weekend.  That’s tempting, but, knowing me, I’ll probably venture out…or at least try.

Judging from the national news last night, 60% of the nation is being hit by the cold and storms.  So, to all of you reading this – please stay safe and warm and remember...you’re not alone!

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When I Am Queen #3

What with the new year and all, I’ve been thinking (in the queenly way I do,) of things I could very well do without, once I’m crowned.  Here’s my list so far:

1) Politicians – Let’s face it, if they’re not screwing around on their wives, then they’re padding a legitimate piece of legislation with pork.  It seems that even the best ones get their heads turned by lobbyists and power.  To really represent us, we should choose very smart people who don’t want the job.  It would be a one year obligation with good pay.  Maybe these folks would approach it like a real job, instead of way to get rich.  I’ll see to that.

2) Talking on cell phones in restaurants, stores, movie theaters and churches.  If your call is that important, go outside and take it!  Same thing for drivers – drive or pull over and talk, choose one.  When you’re on the phone, you can’t possibly give all of your attention to the road.  You may not care, but I do.

3) Pills for which the side effects are worse than the original problem. I heard a commercial for an anti-depressant that listed at least twenty negative side effects, everything from projectile vomiting to thoughts of suicide.  Let me get this straight, you’d give this pill to a depressed person…why?  Medicine is supposed to be a good thing, not the very thing that pushes you over the edge.

4) Twitter – Okay, what the hell is this, anyway?  Are people’s lives so empty that they have to “follow” others around via phone, hoping for a Tweet to make their day?  Really?  Think about it.  The whole concept is just plain dumb.  I’m amazed at how much of the world has bought into it.  Do you really need to know what everybody is doing or thinking every second of the day?  I sure don’t.

5) Snow – Okay, I’ve given this a lot of thought and I think we can do without it.  And yes, I can just hear someone saying, “But, it’s SO pretty!”  Bull!  It’s pretty for about five minutes until some dog pees in it or it becomes full of footprints.  What purpose does it serve?  It’s cold.  It’s wet.  And it’s dangerous.  Cars get stuck in it or slide and crash into something.  People fall on it, breaking hips or injuring spines.  Shoveling it causes a great number of heart attacks.  Just check any Emergency Room in the winter and you’ll see how “beautiful” it is.  No, I’ve decided snow is basically evil and I, for one, could do without it!  When I am Queen, if you want to ski, you can go to Canada!

Okay, that’s all for now.  I’ll let you absorb those for a while.  And don’t worry, when I am Queen, I’ll do a whole lot of stuff you’ll love, too.  Just wait and see!

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White Christmas? Shut Up!

The picture says it all.  That’s my solar light, buried under our freakin’ “white Christmas!”  I have some friends, and they know who they are, who always long for a white Christmas.  As a matter of fact, they long for snow all the time.  So I guess they are the perfect ones to blame for our first blizzard since the 1980′s.  Okay, you guys, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?  I hope so, because I feel like I’m trapped in my house till I-don’t-know-when!

It started here in the Midwest on Christmas eve with light flurries and bone-chilling temperatures.  You just had to step outside to feel like Nanook of the North.  This was the kind of Arctic wind that freezes your eyeballs and makes the hair in your nose feel stiff.  We have a new mailbox where I live called a “cluster mailbox” that’s made of plastic and has little compartments for about eight townhouses.  Okay, so I grab my umbrella to go out to get the mail on Christmas eve because, in addition to the wind, there was freezing rain,  and the key wouldn’t fit in the slot, because the slot was frozen! Well, it takes more than that to come between me and my mail!  So on the second trip, I struggle out with the umbrella and a fireplace lighter, thinking I’ll heat up the key and the slot and I’ll be able to get it open.  NO. So, on the third trip, I go out with the umbrella and an ice pick and start attacking the slot with that. NO. I can only imagine what my neighbors were thinking by this time, but, what the hell!  On the fourth trip, I’m carrying not only the umbrella, but a cup of boiling water.  I start dashing the water against the slot and the key fits in! But the plastic door is frozen shut!  Great.  By now, the umbrella is attempting to blow away and I’m close to blowing my stack…I dash the rest of the water on the door, itself, and it opens! So, my question is – am I going to have to do that every danged single day?  They’re saying the next seven days will be below freezing.  I hate winter.

As for me feeling trapped, here’s the problem.  Even though the plows have been out, the streets are still snow-packed with a layer of ice underneath.  There have been 21 deaths in the Midwest from this stuff.  On Christmas day the bridges were a sheet of ice and cars were spinning out of control left and right.  Even the police and tow trucks are getting stuck.  And I fear the ice isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.  There are cars along the highway which have been abandoned for the time being.  Here is a picture from The Kansas City Star showing snow that was plowed from one of our shopping areas.

I don’t know where they get the “picture-perfect” part.  As far as I’m concerned, it sucks.  So, to all of the Susie Sunshines out there who say inane things like “I just LOVE snow!” I just want to say, “BAH HUMBUG!”

Did I mention that I hate winter?

“Prisoner of the Elements”

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