I know it’s not a new phenomenon, but maybe now that it is affecting my baby boomer generation, I’ve become more aware of it. I’m speaking of the pain of watching a parent descend into dementia. I used to never hear anyone discussing it. Now, three of my close friends are having to deal with it.
Valerie’s mother is the most recent case. It started almost innocuously. She’d get in the car, and then forget where she was going, and worse, where she was. Nothing looked familiar, even though she was in an area she once knew well. Little by little it got worse, with her repeating herself many times throughout a conversation. Valerie tried to talk to her father about it, but he was busy trying to stay in denial. Then, this Christmas, when she went to her parents for Christmas dinner, there was none. Her mother treated her almost like a stranger. When Valerie asked what they should fix for dinner, her mother replied, “I thought I’d get out a couple of steaks for your father and I.” It was as if Valerie no longer existed. She ended up eating Christmas dinner alone at her house. When she told me this story, I almost felt a physical pain, imagining how hurtful the whole day had been.
Then there’s Francie’s mother. She is a delightful little lady, whom Francie had to move into a very nice assisted living facility. Her mind had started slipping and she’d forget to take her medicines. She also began writing checks out to any charity appeal that came in the mail. Even now, Francie notices her tendency to hoard things and forget the most basic rituals of living. This is not the mother she grew up with, who was a strong, in control individual. Francie gives up many hours a week doing things for her and driving her to and from doctors’ appointments. I know how hard it is for her, both physically and emotionally, but she doesn’t complain. I admire her so much.
And finally, there’s Suzie’s mother. She is in a small town nursing home where the people are very kind and caring. But she’s wasting away, now down to under one hundred pounds. And the worst part is that when Suzie comes to visit her, she doesn’t know who she is. This is the mother Suzi has always cherished and been close to. And when Suzi tells me about her visits, I can hear the tears in her voice. I can’t imagine how it must feel to have the woman who gave birth to you no longer realize that you’re her daughter.
You know, I’ve always felt that I was at such a disadvantage growing up without a mother. When you lose your mother at eight years old, you think that’s the worst thing that could ever happen. But at least I remember her the way she was – sassy, vibrant, and loving. So maybe, just maybe, it was a blessing in disguise in some ways. It’s really hard to say, since both are losses…some early, some later… all devastating. All we can do is try to cope, and survive.
Star, Simplified 