As I move closer to my surgery date, I’ve tried very hard to immerse myself in distractions. Since I’ve always been the kind of person who can live in my imagination, I just needed the inspiration. So, first I purchased Season One of HBO’s “True Blood,” the southern Vampire series featuring waitress Sookie Stackhouse. Once I got into it, I spent many happy weekends following the story. The idea behind it is that it’s set in a time when a synthetic blood has been developed that can slake the vampire cravings. Thus vampires are free to walk among humans. There are a lot of funny tongue-in-cheek references to vampire rights in congress and vampire support groups. But the primary story line involves Sookie, who falls in love with an ancient vampire, Bill, who’s trying very hard to mainstream, i.e., not drink human blood. This whole thing was so involving that when I finished the last episode, I immediately ordered Season Two.
While I was waiting for Season Two to come, I decided to get Season One of “The Walking Dead,” which is AMC’s critically acclaimed series of humans trying to survive a zombie epidemic of apocalyptic proportions. It begins with a police officer waking from a coma in a hospital which is trashed and deserted. As he wanders out, he sees nothing but dead bodies everywhere. It isn’t until he sees a zombie girl, (or half of a zombie girl, anyway,) pulling what’s left of her body across a park, that the nightmare starts to become real to him. He finally meets up with a group of survivors and the main story is about what these people do to survive, without any means of communication and not even knowing if there are other survivors left in the world. It is a good show, but definitely not as “fun” as “True Blood.
So, when I finished the last episode of it, I naturally found myself thinking about both stories and the situations they depict. In my musings, I imagined someone asking me, “Which would you date, if you had to date one or the other – a zombie or a vampire? At first the answer seemed obvious, but I decided to try to be as objective as possible. Here are my pros and cons.
VAMPIRES: Pros – (1) They actually have personalities, ranging from charming to terrifying. (2) Most are physically attractive. (3) Their blood, “V” is like a super-drug for humans. (4) They sleep all day, giving you time to do what you need to do. Cons – (1) When the fangs click into place, it’s not a good look (at least, not to me.) (2) They never get sleepy at night so they could tend to wear you out after a while. (3) They have the ability to mesmerize you, thus robbing you of free will. You’d probably never win an argument with one. (4) There’s the whole sleeping-in-a-coffin thing. (5) They could suck you dry and leave you dead in a New York minute. (Definitely something to think about!)
ZOMBIES: Pros – (1) They’d never bore you with needless chit-chat. They do well to make grunting noises! (2) They’re not obsessed with their appearance. You’ll never have to wait while they fix their hair. (3) They are persistent. Zombies aren’t quitters. If they want you, they’ll just keep coming for you, no matter what. (4) They’re not picky eaters. They’re only interested in eating one thing. Cons (1) The one thing they’re interested in eating is YOUR BRAIN! (I don’t know about you, but for me that’s a real downer in the dating world.) (2) They are totally boring. Any shred of personality they might have once had, is gone. (3) Their body parts tend to come off. I mean, it’s one thing to hold someone’s hand, but if that’s the only thing you’re holding, well! Yuk. (4) The smell. Putrefaction is seldom sexy, no matter how good a face you try to put on it.
So, there are the facts. And no matter how fair I tried to be, zombies are a hard sell in the world of sexual attraction and companionship. Consequently, I have to declare vampires the winner of this “who-would-you-date” contest. So now that I’ve solved yet another Huge Life Dilemma, I think I’ll go cuddle up in my recliner and begin Season Two of “True Blood.” Woo hoo! See ya later!
Star, Simplified 