You know, sometimes I think that this little world I inhabit is really just a situation comedy God set up for His viewing pleasure. Seriously, I do. Okay, here’s what happened.
The day after my birthday (last Thursday,) I was in Wal-mart picking up some necessities and, since I was still feeling some residual birthday vibes, thought I might also pick up a little sumpthin’ sumpthin’ as presents to myself. Reasonable, no? So, I got a new rug for my entrance foyer, some of that new stick-on nail polish (in glitter!) and…a luxury bath mat! I’ve always longed for one of these long poofy bath mats, but since they’re over TWICE the price of a normal one I never thought I “needed” one. But that was the day! They even had it in a beige that matched my master bathroom tub.
Now to many of you a bath mat may be something totally inconsequential, especially if you are a shower person. But me? I LOVE my baths! I always have good bubble bath, soap and loofahs. So I absolutely COULDN’T WAIT for my bath that night so that I could stretch out in the sheer luxury of this padded mat. The thing is three feet long! Here’s a closer shot so that you can see how poofy it is.
So, I cleaned the tub very well and read the directions which just said to smooth it down so that the suction cups could catch while the water was running in. I started the water and began to smooth the part nearest to the drain. When I thought I had it down, I moved my hands down the length of it, smoothing all the suction cups as I went. When I got to the end of it, the first part was floating up! I pushed it down and the back floated up! On and on I played this game until I wanted to scream! The thing was floating! As a raft for a Barbie doll, it would have been great. As a mat for me, useless! I could not figure out what was wrong. Finally in frustration, I pulled the dripping thing out of the tub so that I could go ahead and take my bath. But I was determined to look up this problem on Google. Surely I wasn’t the only person this had happened to.
I’m not. Finally I found a similar mat on Amazon and began to read the reviews. A good half of the reviews talked about how wonderful the mat was, how luxurious, how comfortable! Pigs! The other half was in my camp, complaining that the thing only floated, wouldn’t stay down, was useless, a waste of good money! As I continued to research, I found a bath mat company which suggested people wipe their tubs down with alcohol before using the mat in order to rid the tub of any cleaning products. Ah! I grabbed a handful of cotton balls saturated with alcohol and rubbed down not only the tub, but also the bottom of the mat and all the suction cups. Now I was sure it would work.
The next night as the water was running in, a couple of the suction cups appeared to actually be holding, so, optimist that I am, I got naked. I figured that by sitting on it I could weigh the rest of them down. The minute I sat down on it, THE THING ATTACKED ME! Oh yes it did! The front and back of it both started curling up with my body caught in the middle! I was pushing down suction cups like a mad woman and whatever part of the mat I was ignoring was closing in on my body. I think its ultimate intent was to roll me up like a sausage! It would not stay down, no matter what I did. Some very colorful language ensued and I ended the encounter by wrestling the squirming thing up and hurling it across the bathroom! I felt like the captain in “Jaws.” Happy Birthday to me, indeed!
So, there you have it. My plan was to enjoy a little birthday present of luxury like a true lady of leisure. God’s plan was to send me into manic action, like Lucille Ball eating chocolates on the conveyor belt. Guess who won?
I was disappointed, but I can only guess that God had himself a great big old belly laugh.
Well, you’re welcome, God. I’m sure glad somebody enjoyed it!
Star, Simplified 